Size Matters by Robyn Peterman

Author:Robyn Peterman [Peterman, Robyn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2014-05-06T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 21

“He found that wearing clothes made him slightly less frightening to humans, if he kept his distance. The main problem with this strategy was that the sheer amount of hair all over his body made the clothing very itchy. Not to mention, it was damn near impossible to find a pair of pants large enough to house his massive pork sword.

“His fearless leader had given him a pair of crotchless pants to alleviate the pain of having to encase his jewels in suffocating denim, but it kind of defeated the purpose of disguising himself enough to fit into polite society. His isolation was tearing him apart. His true dream was to be a rock star, but even though he could sing like an angel, his exterior was too horrific.

“He cried out to the heavens. ‘Why? Why am I such a hairy bastard with such a commodious skin flute?’ He received no answer. Why had Zeus forsaken him? Or was it Buddha? Or maybe Bryant Gumbel . . .

“He had never seen another of his kind; maybe he was the only one. What kind of cosmic clusterfuck was that? His anger caused him to hatch a plan . . . If the humans didn’t want to date him, he would screw with them . . .”

“Oh my God,” Heidi Kugelschmooson gasped, interrupting Boo’s recitation. “What kind of revolting bestiality porno is that?”

Heidi had voiced the question that had been in my mind for days, but all it did was piss me off. I could say or think anything about my team I wanted . . . because I cared about them and they were mine. Heidi, on the other hand . . .

“It’s the bible. The Bigfoot bible,” I snapped. I paused for a second and had a weird déjà vu moment. WTF? Whatever. Seven in the morning was too early to get into a fight with Plastic Barbie, but she left me no choice. “It’s written in code,” I explained as if she were two years old. “You have to interpret the, um, foul and pornographic text in order to get to the true roots of the Bigfoot myth.”

“Really,” she said skeptically.

“Really,” I shot back, hoping the conversation was over. Kim had picked up coffee and doughnuts before we congregated in the parking lot, so I quickly shoved a glazed one into my mouth to signify the end of the conversation.

“So, what in the hell did that repulsive passage mean?” Heidi asked, not one to give up easily. Assclowns, I could just imagine the article she would write later.

“It means that Bigfoot is a tragic and lonely beast. There is solid proof in that particular passage that there may be just one Bigfoot in existence. His intelligence level is on a par with or higher than humans’ and clearly he’s been gifted in the genital area,” Boo told Heidi without flinching.

“He also enjoys humping trees and large furniture,” Hugh added.

“Which is why we will be searching trees for pubic hair today,” Mariah told Heidi.

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